New Beginnings
I feel like I am always starting over. Each time I make a pledge to start a new betterment program, I fail. I want to stop drinking but my self-destructive mind keeps me drinking just a little in order to make sure I can never be proud about my abstinence. I toke more and more to make up for the numbing influence of the booze. I drink too much coffee, never sit in silence without popping up every few minutes to do something and my endless list of 'must do's' never gets shorter.
My life, up to this point, has been a constant circle of discontent.
I have so much going in my favour that I should be (and, on a certain level, am) grateful for.
I am the wife of a loving, sexy man who has my best interests at heart.
I am the mother of three healthy, independent, adult kids who have all given me beautiful grandchildren; seven of them numbering in age from two to eight. They all live close by and I see them frequently.
I am the owner of a sweet little river side cottage close to where I live that, not only acts as my haven, getaway and sanctuary, but also brings in a hefty income through Air B&B.
My hubby and I are in the process of downsizing and moving to a sweet little condo closer to two of my kids and their families and within a two minute walk to the library, sportsplex and shopping centre but secluded enough to feel like a chalet with it's wood burning fireplace, lilacs, apple trees and meandering paths nearby.
My health and weight are good, bordering on great.
We are financially more than comfortable.
What the F@#k is my problem.
I am still the little, insecure girl that needs outside validation constantly.
I crave time alone, then when I have it, feel bored and restless.
I really need to finally, at age 62, begin to embrace life with no regrets, expectations or insecurities.
I have to claim the life I want and grab it, live it wholeheartedly as I have a maximum of twenty five functional years left unless science comes up with some miraculous anti-aging modalities.
Twenty-five years is a long time in the grand scheme of things. I am at a phase of my life where I work when and if I want (right now I am keeping the home businesses up and running on a part-time basis).
What do I see as the life I want to lead as compared to the life I am living?
Now: I wake up when I want to
The Life I want to lead: I am up at sunrise every morning
Now: I never manage to consistently meditate or even take deep breaths to calm myself
The Life I want to lead: Sitting still and meditating is part of my daily morning ritual
Now: I trip around the house each morning going and doing wherever and whatever tickles my fancy
The Life I want to lead: I have a set morning ritual that sets a positive rhythm for the day
Now: I go to the office at different times each day I work with no set pattern
The Life I want to lead: I work two days a week from 8 until noon; preferably Mondays and Wednesdays
Now: My evenings are spent stoned, watching CNN or browsing Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest
The Life I want to lead: In the evenings, I limit my social media time, drink tea, stay straight and sober and treat myself to a Netflix movie while crocheting or work on a fun project or delve into a good book
Now: Although I wear a Fit-Bit I am not prioritizing keeping my body healthy through food and exercise. I eat junk and am inconsistent with my exercise.
The Life I want to lead: I incorporate rebounding, walking, eating well and drinking plenty of H2O into my daily life
Now: I drag myself to bed close to 11:00 most nights
The Life I want to lead: I head to bed at 9:30 to read for half hour, then fall asleep by ten
So it's now or never. I either have to stop the madness of my ADD addled and addicted brain with previously untapped resources. Somewhere, deep in the depths of my being lie the three sisters called Perseverance, Grit and Determination. They have lain dormant as I have never made room for them in the cluttered frontal lobe of my mind.
I am humbly setting aside traits that are old and tired to make room for the three sisters. I hereby release the three bastards that have taken up too much space for far too long. They are known as Scared, Scattered & Stoned.
These traits have been the defining ones in my life.
Scared
My fear is always that I am not enough, I am not loved and that I will lose those I love. I am constantly overthinking relationships, conversations and interactions in order to ensure I've done nothing to jeopardize the way I am perceived by those I love. I am frightened of being alone yet I sabotage most friendships by being elusive, evasive and erratic. I yearn for my children's love yet I betray confidences and cancel plans often which leads me to the other bastard ....
Scattered
I can't seem to run my life without over-planning, double booking and constantly having to cancel, rearrange and forgo plans. I am afflicted with ADD which has just about taken the joy right out of my life. My office work suffers, my relationships suffer. My self-esteem suffers. Items on my list o I am tempted to go on medication just to see if it can help me. I have to admit that weed is working to a degree to calm my crazy mind down but I just don't like the feeling of constantly being ....
Stoned
It's not that I am suddenly anti-pot. I love my weed. The stuff we grew is mild, easy on the throat and gives a nice relaxing high that is quite manageable and lovely. There is a place for weed in my life and, hopefully there will always be. I just have to not toke whenever I feel an uncomfortable emotion and, instead, use it recreationally when the rest of the world is drinking alcohol or for lovemaking which deserves a post of it's own.
I pledge to go from the punishing myself with the occasional alcoholic drink that only serves to prove, again and again to myself, that I am not worthy of greatness, love or progress to being totally sober of which I am 99% of the time anyways.
I would like to use this post as the launching pad for. not only my long term sobriety, but for my commencement of a sustained, daily morning ritual that includes meditation, H20, supplements, exercise, gratitude and achievable goal setting for the day.
I will check in tomorrow.
My life, up to this point, has been a constant circle of discontent.
I have so much going in my favour that I should be (and, on a certain level, am) grateful for.
I am the wife of a loving, sexy man who has my best interests at heart.
I am the mother of three healthy, independent, adult kids who have all given me beautiful grandchildren; seven of them numbering in age from two to eight. They all live close by and I see them frequently.
I am the owner of a sweet little river side cottage close to where I live that, not only acts as my haven, getaway and sanctuary, but also brings in a hefty income through Air B&B.
My hubby and I are in the process of downsizing and moving to a sweet little condo closer to two of my kids and their families and within a two minute walk to the library, sportsplex and shopping centre but secluded enough to feel like a chalet with it's wood burning fireplace, lilacs, apple trees and meandering paths nearby.
My health and weight are good, bordering on great.
We are financially more than comfortable.
What the F@#k is my problem.
I am still the little, insecure girl that needs outside validation constantly.
I crave time alone, then when I have it, feel bored and restless.
I really need to finally, at age 62, begin to embrace life with no regrets, expectations or insecurities.
I have to claim the life I want and grab it, live it wholeheartedly as I have a maximum of twenty five functional years left unless science comes up with some miraculous anti-aging modalities.
Twenty-five years is a long time in the grand scheme of things. I am at a phase of my life where I work when and if I want (right now I am keeping the home businesses up and running on a part-time basis).
What do I see as the life I want to lead as compared to the life I am living?
Now: I wake up when I want to
The Life I want to lead: I am up at sunrise every morning
Now: I never manage to consistently meditate or even take deep breaths to calm myself
The Life I want to lead: Sitting still and meditating is part of my daily morning ritual
Now: I trip around the house each morning going and doing wherever and whatever tickles my fancy
The Life I want to lead: I have a set morning ritual that sets a positive rhythm for the day
Now: I go to the office at different times each day I work with no set pattern
The Life I want to lead: I work two days a week from 8 until noon; preferably Mondays and Wednesdays
Now: My evenings are spent stoned, watching CNN or browsing Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest
The Life I want to lead: In the evenings, I limit my social media time, drink tea, stay straight and sober and treat myself to a Netflix movie while crocheting or work on a fun project or delve into a good book
Now: Although I wear a Fit-Bit I am not prioritizing keeping my body healthy through food and exercise. I eat junk and am inconsistent with my exercise.
The Life I want to lead: I incorporate rebounding, walking, eating well and drinking plenty of H2O into my daily life
Now: I drag myself to bed close to 11:00 most nights
The Life I want to lead: I head to bed at 9:30 to read for half hour, then fall asleep by ten
So it's now or never. I either have to stop the madness of my ADD addled and addicted brain with previously untapped resources. Somewhere, deep in the depths of my being lie the three sisters called Perseverance, Grit and Determination. They have lain dormant as I have never made room for them in the cluttered frontal lobe of my mind.
I am humbly setting aside traits that are old and tired to make room for the three sisters. I hereby release the three bastards that have taken up too much space for far too long. They are known as Scared, Scattered & Stoned.
These traits have been the defining ones in my life.
Scared
My fear is always that I am not enough, I am not loved and that I will lose those I love. I am constantly overthinking relationships, conversations and interactions in order to ensure I've done nothing to jeopardize the way I am perceived by those I love. I am frightened of being alone yet I sabotage most friendships by being elusive, evasive and erratic. I yearn for my children's love yet I betray confidences and cancel plans often which leads me to the other bastard ....
Scattered
I can't seem to run my life without over-planning, double booking and constantly having to cancel, rearrange and forgo plans. I am afflicted with ADD which has just about taken the joy right out of my life. My office work suffers, my relationships suffer. My self-esteem suffers. Items on my list o I am tempted to go on medication just to see if it can help me. I have to admit that weed is working to a degree to calm my crazy mind down but I just don't like the feeling of constantly being ....
Stoned
It's not that I am suddenly anti-pot. I love my weed. The stuff we grew is mild, easy on the throat and gives a nice relaxing high that is quite manageable and lovely. There is a place for weed in my life and, hopefully there will always be. I just have to not toke whenever I feel an uncomfortable emotion and, instead, use it recreationally when the rest of the world is drinking alcohol or for lovemaking which deserves a post of it's own.
I pledge to go from the punishing myself with the occasional alcoholic drink that only serves to prove, again and again to myself, that I am not worthy of greatness, love or progress to being totally sober of which I am 99% of the time anyways.
I would like to use this post as the launching pad for. not only my long term sobriety, but for my commencement of a sustained, daily morning ritual that includes meditation, H20, supplements, exercise, gratitude and achievable goal setting for the day.
I will check in tomorrow.
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